The area of my mind that I know best, the madness, the point at which I reach the understanding that I can think no longer.
Facets is a fun word, I feel it perfectly describes my own self, many ways to look depending on which direction you look at a person.
Another f word that I enjoy is fragments, I was debating calling this Fragments of Madness, but in the end facets won out because it sounds fancier.
I’m not even one to use such fancy words all willy nilly, as fun as it could be. If I have to express myself like a prick to seem exciting or great to people, then maybe I’m better off splitting from people overall.
This is definitely a page that I will be making additions to, more facets to my madness, maybe daily, maybe monthly.
Madison, it’s a funny place, in one area you find awesome people, but sometimes you need to know the right people to get to know these awesome people or to even have them acknowledge you at all.
I find it funny, how people say one thing, and how you can find right away that something will be a keyword for “never gonna happen” some that I have seen are “sometime” when talking about something that you and other people have to do, or “eventually”, “maybe”, “at some point”, and I know there are more, but at this point that’s how it is.
Water, I can just sit at the Union forever and just stare at it and get absolutely nothing done. I’ll just lose myself in thoughts and be engulfed by the waves created in my own mind and memories.
Many people don’t know it, but I love all music, and when I say that, I MEAN it, that’s how I am about a lot of things, if I say something and mean it, then seriously, I MEAN IT, it’s not one of those things where I’ll take back everything I said for my own benefit.
Fridays, always so great, a stress reliever just by being that day. I don’t even care that it is getting cold, I’ve been ready for that for too long now. Fall and winter are times for me to actually be able to wear my fleece.
Musically I am very lost, I seem to want something that is very happy, yet also very hard, and not simple.. strange, but that’s what I seem to be wanting in music right now.
Now food, that is where my true procrastination lies. I could spend a whole day baking, and I wouldn’t even think twice, because I love it so much. As with all things it is better with another person, but…
Tonight was good, pretty much spent the whole night on my own, but hell, it seems that’s what works for me. Hawk and a Hacksaw was really amazing, I was initially wondering why I even went, until I decided it was for me.. and for a while I was able to just let the music flow through my being, it was so amazing. I really am good at just being invisible though, an observer, eternally, forever. That seems to be all I can actually do, to observe the world around me, and when it comes to actually being a part, I don’t even know.. That’s how I got through the first 15 years of my life, observing everything around me always, never becoming a part of anything at all. A sad observation of life is that nothing ever changes. In my current situation that is untrue though, so much has changed, I don’t think any of it is for the better.. Just have to keep in the rhythm of things, keep the dance moving, lest I lose myself more, though I still fear it is too late. I see myself as very forgettable, yet somehow people always remember me, but I only want one thing out of life right now.
I just want to be able to talk to her again.
My body is breaking down.. it all starts at the brain, I see something and can’t stop thinking about that. Closure.. it’s a funny concept.. how things work out.. people believe in the idea of luck and such superstition, I used to, but after a number of years of no luck whatsoever, the idea changes to be a curse. A curse on whatever caused such a thing to be in your life. a curse on yourself for never being able to fix the problem. A curse on the world for continuing to move when you want everything to stop. A curse on your brain for not focusing on what matters. A curse on emotion eternally for the effects it gets.
I’ve cursed everything internally and externally, I just want to leave everything and disappear. The way I see it I’m already gone. I’m a very easily forgettable person, and as soon as my use is gone, then I’m gone. It’s being a friend of convenience to many, the only thing is how long that duration of being a friend lasts. Friendships should NOT have an expiration date! I have tried again and again to prevent a rift. A rift is the last thing that I want, and I would do anything to prevent that. But if it’s just going to happen like that.. then that’s the way it goes. Eternally carrying on with the dance, moving forward, going with the flow. But DAMN IT I don’t want to go with this flow!! It is completely against my groove, I can’t move with the rhythm that I had before, I can’t breathe normally, I can’t endure, I can’t sleep I can’t think I can’t write I can’t be patient, all I can do is suppress this urge to just jump in the lake and not leave. Suppress the urge to walk in one direction and just not come back, to feel the last wind rushing past my body.
I have lost my mind, my every desire points to the same thing, but I can’t do a damn thing, I could send a thousand fucking things and NOTHING would change and I DON’T KNOW WHY THE FUCK IT IS THIS WAY. THERE IS NO REASON, NONE AT ALL. I just want my friend back, I hate that I think this much to the point of crying, but that’s all I want in my life, and it depresses the fuck out of me.
Continued from Books.
I’m not the kind of person to just move on after finishing a book and forget the events and the characters forever, I remember everything, I’m just like a very forgetful elephant that never forgets, or an extremely apathetic elephant that cares a lot. I don’t like that analogy to compare people in your life to people in a book, it’s so extremely inaccurate, people do not just drop out of your life after their role is done. Nobody just leaves a place and forever forgets all the people. That would be like saying that since my sister and Tim aren’t directly in my story, that I don’t have to think of them anymore. Yes, that’s a much more personal example, but that just isn’t how life works! People try so fucking hard to make sense of what’s going on around them and to make some justification for what they do, but somehow people just don’t fucking get that EVERYTHING you do has a consequence! I have a perfect example, but out of respect for my FRIENDS I will not write that here. It seems very spiteful in the way that I write this now, but this is the result of leaving me in a pool of my own thoughts of the same things for nine months. I just don’t get it, if someone says something, why would they go back on what they said and just cut away from everything? Am I that terrible of a person and a friend that I can’t even be bothered with? I can’t put my thoughts anywhere, since I have nobody who I can truly confide everything in. Friends are great and all, but something this heavy they can’t do anything about. I thought I could wait it out and that hopefully everything would become better, that I could have my friend back. But it’s like in kingdom hearts, someone is altering my book, as I start to disappear from everywhere. Like I said: I’m easily forgotten.